The Better Ship Lollipop

Crew

Austin - Dr. What

Doctor Rank 3

Mission: ♣️ Find alien women in the mood for love. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Chelsea - Helen of Troi

Counselor, Rank 5

Mission: ♠️ Find and kill the spacewhale what murdered my pa. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

Gabriel - Billy Zane

Engineer rank 3

Mission: ♦️To find my long-lost psychic twin.

Alyssa - Clumsy Mallory

Scientist rank 4

Mission: ♥️Find the coolest space rock.

Andrew - Spencer Spiff

Security Officer rank 2

Mission: ♦️ Cure for space travel-induced baldness (space baldness)

Episode 1 - Dreams of Jensen

September 12, 2022

1. We’ve received our Orders: explore the nearby Systems! We’ve found a ♣️6 Cluster of Space Stations unscannable from the outside. An away team is assembled.

   • The Bridge Crew has been teleported into a surreal gameboard world. It’s hard to see far; neon vapors shroud the air. All the game pieces have nasally Jewish-comedy-writer-voices. The Dice are so big it takes many Crewmates to roll.

   • A game piece attacked! Crewmate Jensen was brutally smushed-murdered. Our Doctor makes a bad Security Officer.

   • The Alien Ludomancers are impressed by the Doctor’s (fruitless) attempts to save Jensen.

   • Helen of Troi, Counselor, leads a mob of people to roll snake eyes! They give us ore - the rough way - blowing a chunk of the Ship away. 1 Damage!

   • Billy Zane and Clumsy Mallory Rank Up after we escaped!

2. We have located the ♥️ 7 a Shattered System. “Surely” was not unable to pilot us through the debris field. The Better Ship Lollipop took a mighty blow.

3. We found the ♣️A Anomaly. We were able to navigate it successfully.

4. We have found ♣️2 a lifeless system. We failed to mine any ore and badly damaged the ship.

5. We found the ♠️Q Mission! Helen of Troi hunted down the space whale “what killed her pa.” Turns out he’s a real Moby Dick. The experience has made Helen much less trusting of Space Whales.

6. We contacted the ♣️K World Mind. They were friendly to us. The World Mind is like a giant banana tree, endlessly branching with ever larger leaves. At the end of each branch is a miniature Gilbert Gottfried head, endlessly screaming. They have seen the face of God. They telepathically communicate only in Mathematical formulae.

7. Returning to the Homeworld without completing our Orders, we lost some funding. Our new orders: Make a Pal! A Star-Pal!

8. We’ve come upon a ♦️3 Primitive world. These aliens are record keepers, officious and bureaucratic. Their spines are curved from perpetually reaching into filing cabinets. They have evolved to have no feet - only a single slug-like monoped. Sugar is a euphoric hallucinogen to them; they crave it desperately. Billy Zane names them “The Vogons”! (c) pending.

   • The crisis of the Vogons is that we introduced them to Sugar accidentally. It’s decimated their record-keeping capabilities. They don’t know which way is up. The drug epidemic has ground their civilization to a halt. They were dangling in a drug stupor, hanging from walls and filing cabinets. They’re stuck to where they are, lolling around! This has caused fringe mom groups to pop up and accuse us of giving candy to babies. The Crew is wanted fugitives; the News calls them the Sweettooth Killers.

   • The Doctor, Dr. What, tried to put the muscle on the local cartels. It went predictably, and Jensen Jr paid the price. Rest among the Stars, chief.

   • Billy Zane uses their engineering knowledge to build insulin pumps for the Vogons. They nailed it! The pumps don’t just work. They’re profitable. We gained 2 Ore!

   • Surely, our Artificial Pilot, flew us away from the crime scene. We made it out with the profit and our tails between our legs.

   • Surely was awarded a Medal for extreme bravery from a deserving toaster.

   • Jensen Jr was a fine officer. He didn’t deserve what happened to him. Unlike his dad, he deserved a eulogy. Helen will always remember him and his crimson shirt. It looked so extra. He was like a brother to Clumsy Mallory. Not like an actual brother, but like the way his people said it, which I think is more meaningful. He was the most talented part of our jug, string, and washboard band. RIP JENSEN JR. YOU WILL BE MISSED.

9. We return home, successfully making a star pal of the Vogons. We add Officer Spiff to our able-bodied crew. We received new Orders: return with 40 Ore.

10. We return to ♣️2 the lifeless world to try and collect ore in compliance with our orders. We made good headway when Spiff accidentally jettisoned the payload through the hull. The ship is badly damaged.

11. We’ve found ♣️7 a Shattered System. Surely is able to expertly maneuver the craft through the field of violence. We emerge unscathed.

12. We return to ♣️2 the lifeless world in an attempt to mine ANY ore. We got away with 17.

13. We attempted to fly into the ♣️A anomaly but were turned away.

14. We encounter a ♠️Q (5 - Spatial Shear Crisis Alert). The engineer is able to invert the gravity shield frequencies and absorb the spatial shearing forces.

15. We return to the ♣️2 lifeless world and can collect 25 ore.

16. We return to Sol with our order fulfilled. Our Support grows to 5! Our new orders: Make a Friend!

17. We have found the ♥️K The Gatemakers. Clumsy Mallory was able to uncloak the Gatemaker homeworld.

    • The Gatemakers have asymmetrical bodies, heavier on the right side. The reason is their right ear is ten times larger than the left. Their right side arm is like a large film that buoys them in the atmospfromhere. They eat diamonds and crap pennies. They make change as well as gates. Because they can’t walk for shit, they invented teleportation.

    • We’re Nicknaming them the Alpha Centauri Gatemakers.

    • Combat ensued. Our Hardlight Sheilds protected us from 4 points of damage. Helen saw a Gatemaker ship that looked like a kite with shit duct taped to it. Billy saw a ship shaped like a flashlight with 100 or so dildo-like shapes coming out of the front, a flashlight with fleshlights if you will. Mallory saw a ship that looked like a potbellied lumberjack balloon, just like the one in the Macy’s Day Parade back on Earth. Spaceman Spiff saw their ultimate weapon from the pooper, a disc that opens a gate to launch missiles out of.

    • Dr. What is probably to blame for this military boondoggle.

18. We’ve found an ♥️A Anomaly, we were able to use the scanners to safely navigate the system, but sadly they were damaged by the tachyon radiation emitted from the anomaly.

19. We have encountered a ♦️9 Super Civilization. They claim to be the ancient Egyptian Gods. They are, in fact, face-huggers. They shit eggs before expiring. Since they bear no resemblance to Egyptian Gods, we must conclude they are big StarGate Fans. They are all named Kyle. Their second favorite movie is Capt Corelli’s Mandolin. They’re planning an invasion of the earth to steal our cinematic heritage. They’re offended that any of the names in the credits are not Kyle. They intend to fix this. They held us captive for two weeks as they explained their qualms with various pieces of earth pop culture. What we once thought was their mouths turned out to be buttholes, and vice-versa. They also intend to burn all books, so no one can claim the book was better than the movie.

    • They are called the Criticons, and they have damaged the Better Ship Lollipop.

    • RIP Human Space Dreams.

    • Thank God Jensen III got out before we all died.

    • But It was all a dream. The criticons did mess us up, but we woke up in a slightly better supplied and less beaten up ship than we expected to. We press on.

20. We’ve discovered ♠️7 a shattered world. Surely attempts a maneuver to avoid the asteroids but manages only to rip their limbs off and bash their positronic brains all over the dashboard. Surely is out of commission.

21. We’ve found ♣️Q Mission, alien women in the mood for love. Dr. What confronts his own failed masculinity but grows as a medical practitioner.

22. We’ve discovered a new planet with life and civilization ♠️5 Advanced World. They are four inches tall. Their hair is double their body length and drags along the floor eight inches behind them, except for ones who style their hair to stick straight up, to make themselves a foot tall. This is the basis of class division in this society. Their religion worships a god of hairspray. Their hair is also their primary sense organ; it’s super sensitive to vibration. Helen has named them Glip-Glops.

    • They’re concerned that we are so big. It makes them anxious and unfun. They’ve requested that we not set foot on their planet because they fear we’ll shake the earth and destroy their cities. They said our music sucks, and we should turn it down, not because it’s loud but because it sucks. A shake-up in social hierarchy caused by our presence has caused the wealthy elite to horde hair products, causing a run on banks and churches. Full unrest! Jensen III has been kidnapped and is being held hostage by these tiny bastards.

    • Where’s Surely when you need them?!?! Billy Zane tries to fly super low to talk to them face to face at four inches tall without touching the ground. He beefs it. Jensen III goes the way of his forefathers. Hasn’t the second Mrs. Jensen suffered enough?!

    • It’s too late for Jensen III, but Jensina, the jewel of Jensen Jr’s eye, still lives. If only a Doctor can save her. Medicine prevails! Dr. What will get a B+ medal for this!

    • Clumsy Mallory, the Scientist, desperately tries to develop a shrink ray to meet them on their terms. A success! He expands his mind and wins much Ore and Supplies.

    • The Glip Glops have not made up their minds about us. They invite us to return.

    • There is one more thing to do: eulogize our fallen comrade. Helen didn’t know Jensen III very well, but well enough to loan them $20 grand. She’s sad she won’t get it back. Dr. What says Jensen had the most fuckable liver of any transplant patient I’ve known. Billy will never regret anything as much as denying an invitation to Jensen III’s wedding. Spiff remembers the day Jensen woke us up from our space coma and told us we weren’t dead. It was the happiest day of our lives. Clumsy Mallory had an ongoing game of checkers with Jensen III. It was unfinished. Now it can never be completed.

    • RIP Jensen III, you fungible bastard. Requiem ad astra.

23. We’ve encountered a ♥️9 Super Civilization. This civilization is a community of psychic bacteria. When we look at them under a microscope, they look just like us but super tiny. Their planet is super arid and low gravity, and they just live in sand storms. They sustain themselves on radiation. They might look like us, but they also have tails to flagellate. The sand of the sandstorms is nano-robotic machines that make up their advanced technology. They are very proud of their beatboxing skills, but they suck nuts. The seven moons of their world are robots that they use to fight their wars. They are extremely hospitable and use their advanced technology to replicate our favorite “last meals.” If you breathe in the nanobot sand, that’s how they attack from the inside out.

    • The Greatest Beatboxers ever.

    • Will our Hardlight Shields hold? Everything depends on it! We survived!

24. We returned to the ♠️5 Advanced World. The glip glops.

    • Finally able to shrink down and meet the glip glops face to face, our friendship seems almost assured until a murderer strikes at our very fancy dinner party. The murderer is the nanobots carried back from our encounter with the greatest beatboxers ever! The Glip Glops get offended that we invited extra people to their party without realizing we didn’t invite these assholes. The victim is technically still alive they consider it murder because the nanobots consumed all of their hair. The nanobots have also consumed all the fancy napkins and the Glip Glops think this is very rude.

    • Spaceman Spiff donates his planetside hair, making him both space-bald and real-bald. Spiff is injured! He is compensated with 3 Ore.

    • Clumsy Mallory devises a nanotrap to collect them all. Mallory is embarrassed when the nanotrap sparks and shoots of electric charge, singing Glip Glop hair but Ranks up all the same.

    • Helen of Troi smooths it over with the Glip Glops and makes everybody her world-famous lasagna. It’s awesome.

    • We’re friends with the Glip Glops now!

25. We return to the ♣️K world mind. They load our holds with 3 supplies in congratulations for our diplomatic powers.

26. We return Home! We’ve completed our orders to become friendly with an alien, in this case, the advanced Alien Glip Glops. Support for our exploration has reached a new high. Our new Orders: explore a distant star.