Episode 2 - The Glip Glop Faux Pas

September 13, 2022

1. We return to ♥️K The Gate Makers. We have determined that the path forward is to bring peace to the Gatemakers at the barrel of a gun. We met them in battle but could not bring them to a truce. We escaped unharmed.

2. We move to ♥️A Anomaly. We use the scanners to determine that the anomaly is just the digestive gases of a transdimensional being, and a little 5th dimension Pepto Bismal clears it right up.

3. We pilot our ship into the darkness and find ♠️6 Gateways to strange and ever-changing alternate pasts. We suddenly discover we’re in 1930’s Austria, serving sandwiches at a Bistro to (a surprisingly lively) Franz Ferdinand. Our cafe manager is a dejected and angry Adolf Hitler. Sigmund Freud (quite old at this point) has taken over a unified german state and is threatening the peace of Europe with psychoanalytical totalitarianism.

   • Surely is called upon to drive the zepplin (where the cafe is) after the pilot by Therapists. It succeeds, but slips on a banana peel, making a prize jackass of itself.

   • The Therapists return to finish the job! Dr What fights them off, despite their lack of Security Training.

   • Dr What gives Sigmund a little therapy, a little cocaine, maybe some drug rehab, lazer hookah, typical medical stuff. He gets over his parental issues and fixes his mistakes, closing the time loop.

   • For our service to the Time Pigs, we’ve been awarded a Matter Replicator. We had to jettison the Photonic Cannons.

4. We sail into the darkness and find ♠️9 Super Civilization. The species are muppet fetishists, they make puppets out of everything - including humans. Their government is an inscrutable mess of layered conspiracies, each one more secret than the last. Their most beloved puppet looks surprisingly like Jensen Sr. It is in fact a puppet of Jensen Sr pulling the strings! His human hatreds contaminated the once pure puppet lords of this purple planet. He has an extra thumb, but it’s not where you think it is.

   • Hard Light shields held, we took only one damage.

5. We sail into the darkness and find ♠️J the Startwister Engine. We engage the engine, twisting clockwise.

6. We return to the ♠️7 Shattered World. Surely can deftly navigate through the debris. We emerge unscathed.

7. We return to the ♠️6 Gateways to strange and ever-changing alternate pasts. We return to the sector where our alternate pasts ran afoul of Dr. Freud; this time, it is Sylvester Stalone in the 80s who has taken over the world. The only to destabilize his regime is to find a Betamax of the Italian Stallion, that porn he made. However, the only existing Betamax is a Disney one, totally un porn related. It’s boring.

   • Helen, filling in for a scientist, doctors up a deep fake Italian Stallion. It looks surprisingly accurate. The medal she is awarded is a 6ft tall schlong from the porno awards.

   • Doctor What, still high off his last kill as Security Officer, tried to wrestle Stallone into a movie viewing position. Having drawn first blood, he is easily dispatched by the mumble-mouthed Mussolini. Crpl Nobody was sadly lost in tumbling.

   • Helen, still scientific, makes a robot Stallone to swap them. robo Stallone looked more like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The Terminator Damaged the ship.

   • A Huge Failure! Time Pigs Injured both Helen and the Doctor. 😟

8. We return the ♥️A Anomaly. Our Scanner breaks in the digestive gases of transdimensional beings. But we are able to navigate them.

9. We return now to the ♣️K World Mind. They fill our holds with 3 supplies and we move on.

10. We return to Sol having completed our orders. New Orders: to return with 40 Ore. We handed the matter replicator over to earth scientists, and they bungled it up! Fuck those guys! World hunger is your fault, Gerald!

11. We return to the ♣️2 Lifeless World. We are able to mine 22 Ore bringing our total to 29.

12. We return to ♣️7 The Shattered World. Surely is asked to pilot us safely through. They are successful.

13. We fly out into the darkness and find ♦️Q Mission! Billy Zane and Spencer Spiff, in a moment of rare helmetlessness, realize that they are psychic twins, and their psychic powers allow them to grow full luscious heads of hair.

14. We fly out into the darkness and find ♠️2 lifeless world. We are able to collect 29 Ore for a total of 52 in hold.

15. We fly out into the darkness and find ♠️4 peer world. First Contact! These people have 800 limbs each. 798 of those limbs are legs, they have a mere two arms apiece. Their entire economy is based around pants. Their political and religious structure is controlled by cabals of stage magicians. They’re named the Too Many Leg Guys.

    • Spaceman spiff told them we named them the Too Many Leg Guys. They told us their name, but it was unpronounceable. In their language, Too Many Legs Guys translates to big fat stupid heads. It hurt their feelings. Their stage magicians have disappeared the ship. We are stuck on the planet. They David Copperfielded. One of them Criss Angeled, but only because he was wearing eyeliner. They’re demanding we vanquish the one-footed devil to make things right and get our ship back.

    • Helen, Scientifically, builds a one-footed robot devil to vanquish the original. It works! It stomps the one footed devil to a thin paste.

    • Surely is asked to fly their ship with the one-footed devil and drop him into the sun. Surely is injured during the trip and we are compensated in 4 ore.

    • Spaceman Spiff leads the announcement that we were successful. He proclaims us to be great ass kickers! They’re pleased to hear it! Tey don’t take our boasting badly. They return our ship and become our allies. They gives a replacement Surely: Surely Mk3. Surely the third time will be the charm.

16. We return to the ♥️9 Super Civilization. The psychic bacteria attempt to take over our ship. Spiff attempts to jettison the photonic cannons and detonate them in space, but he pulls the trigger too early and the ship is badly damaged (2 dmg). The hardlight shields fail to protect the ship.

17. We return to ♠️5, the Glip Glop homeworld, and do Embassage. A Faux Pax! We returned, full of pride, sporting new hair. The Glip Glops take offense because spiff and Billy’s new hair is way cooler than theirs. The hair was rubbed in the Glip Glop’s faces. We’ve been asked to leave, and they are no longer friendly!

18. We return to the ♣️K World Mind. They load 3 supplies into our hold for our diplomatic prowess.

19. We return home, completing our final orders. We ditch our scanners and load up an artificial scientist.

20. We return to the ♣️K World Mind. they provide 3 supplies.

21. We return to the ♠️5 the Glip Glop Home World. Diplomatic Away Mission.

    • The Glip Glop are having a lice crisis (a licis). There’s been an outbreak of lice. They don’t know what to do. They’re quick to blame us because the lice are psychic. They’re members of the 9 ♥️ Super Civilization. They’ve grown into Lice sized creatures. All those Lice smoke very tiny cigar and spit almost constantly.

    • The Lice can’t handle high elevations; the pressure explodes them. Surely is asked to take them up into the atmosphere. Surely fails, breaking themselves to pieces. That’s three now. Surely MK4 will survive.

    • Dr What is called upon to practice the darkest medical art: hair surgery. With complications, we shave the Glip Glops and give them prosthetic hair, elon musk style. The ship took some damage during the barberism, but we got paid in supplies.

    • Dr What has himself a nice doctor approved smoke. It’s swell.

    • This has appeased the Glip Glops. We are friends again! 😀

22. We return to the ♣️Q Mission, a random encounter. ♣️10 Crisis Alert, Mass Collision. We are able to divert power from the engines to the tractor beams to avoid larger pieces while maintaining shields and using the momentum we already have to ping pong through the crisis.

23. Return to ♠️5 Glip Glop Home World. During our trip, Billy Zane was able to discover that the Glip Glop advanced technology harnesses wind power combined with solar radiation to produce free energy.

24. Return to ♣️K World Mind and picked up 4 supplies.

25. Return to Sol to resupply and rest up.